to me it looks so pretty burning

I adore the despair in your eyes [Chapter 4]

2009-07-30T20:12:23Z

Ville's P.O.V
I had my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeats.
His fingers gently stroked my hair and I closed my eyes.
I almost fell asleep when I felt his fingers touch my spine. I sat up. "What are you doing?"
Bam looked at me with tears in his eyes, "You're so skinny."
"I've always been," I mumbled, I didn't really want to go through this one again.
"Not like this," Bam continued, "now I can count every bone in your body. That's not healthy."
I rolled my eyes. "You can not count every bone in my body."
Bam bit his lip and began to pull up my shirt. I froze and stopped his hands.
"It's okay. I just want to see if I can," Bam said. I slowly nodded and he pulled my shirt over my head.
I laid down to not show any unnecessary fat that you get when you sit up.

Bam sat on top of me and stroked my stomach, ribs, nipples my heartagram tattoo, and oh mighty God, I totally just got a hard on. I looked at Bam and he met my gaze and smiled, "You're beautiful."
I sobbed and grabbed his neck, pulled him down and our lips touched. Our tongues battled and I broke the kiss to pull Bam's t-shirt over his head. When his warm body hit my cold one I shivered, and oh mighty God, he kissed my neck and I was so close to explode.

Soon our pants were off and our erections were touching.
All sudden, in all the magic, Bam stopped. "We shouldn't do this..."
I felt tears in my eyes. "Why?"
"I'm married...Me and Missy are expecting a child, Ville," Bam said and stroked my cheek.
The tears escaped from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. "I love you so much," I sobbed, "I love you so much it fucking hurts."
"Ville..." Bam whispered and kissed away my tears, kissed my neck, gently nibbled on my ears, oh God, I wanted him so badly.

"Make love to me...please...just one last time," I whispered.
Bam nodded and pulled down my boxers, "I can't fucking stand it. You're so gorgeous."
He sucked on his fingers and I put my legs around him.

He kissed me and I felt his fingers tickle my hole before one slipped in. I broke the kiss and threw my head backwards and moaned. Another finger slipped in and I almost came.
"Can't...stand...want you..now..." I panted and Bam pulled down his boxers. I took out a tube of lube that I had in my drawer and let Bam lubricate himself.

I saw in his eyes that he still thought of Missy, and before he could shove himself inside of me, I stopped him. "If we're going to do this, you better think of me and not of her."
Bam nodded, "Of course I'll think of you."
We kissed. Another lovely, magic kiss, and I felt him fill me up.
It burned and I closed my eyes and bit his lip, hard.

"You want me to stop?" Bam asked and looked into my eyes.
I shook my head. "No...just been a very long time since..this..oh shit!"
He'd found my spot. He kissed my neck and my nails scratched his back.
"Harder, Bam...please," I begged. Bam laid my legs on his shoulders and speed up his movements so much that the bed banged against the wall.

I could swear to God that the guys could hear us, but at that moment, I couldn't care less.
I touched myself, screamed, wanted more, and I was dangerous close to my climax.

Bam replaced my hand with his and that pushed me over the edge.
Hot sperm landed on my stomach and on the bed, and I could feel Bam come inside of me and he stopped moving.
He kissed me one last time and pulled out of me.
We cuddled and I wanted to stay like this forever.

*******************************************************************

Bam's P.O.V
This is bad. This is really, really bad. I'm a bad, bad, bad man.
I rolled over to watch Ville sleep and couldn't help but smile.
He looks so helpless and beautiful, but we both knew this couldn't go on.
I got up from the bed, slowly to not wake Ville up, and put my clothes on.

I went down to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead.
"Good sex?"
I seriously flew up when I heard Mige's voice.
"Didn't mean to scare you," Mige laughed.
"Well, you did," I said and sat down in front of him. "What are you doing up?"
"I could say the same thing about you," he snorted.
I sighed. "Ville's asleep. I was bored."
"I see..but you still haven't answered my question...good sex?" Mige grinned.
I blushed. "You heard us?"

"I would be surprised if someone in Finland didn't hear you," he answered. "What about Missy?"
"I don't know!" I sighed, and banged my head into the kitchen table. "We're expecting a child, and here I am doing..."
"Woah! A child?!" Mige shouted.
"Quiet! Yeah, a child. Ville knows that, though." I mumbled.
"Woah..this must be hard for you."

With that, Mige left.
I laid my head on the table and sighed. I didn't know what to do.

I adore the despair in your eyes [Chapter 3]

2009-07-28T14:41:34Z

Bam's P.O.V.
"I'm not letting you go to Finland."
"It's just for one weekend!" I said.
Missy sighed and rolled her eyes. I know I've pissed her off.
"I need to see if he's okay. He..." I started, but Missy stopped me.
"Brandon Margera, I don't care! You're not going to Finland just
to see if your friend is okay. He's not alone. His bandmates is with him."
I bit my lip. I know that Ville's bandmates is with him, but I wanted to see him.
"Can't I just...tell him to take a plane so he can visit us?" I suggested, even though I knew
that Missy'd say no.
"That's a stupid idea," she said. "We're married now, Bam."
"So he can't visit us, cause you and I are married?" I asked. "What do you think's going to happen,
do you think I'm going to have sex with him?"
"I didn't say that," Missy sighed. "I don't want to discuss this with you right now."
"Fine!" I said and walked out of the room.

I dialed his number. I wanted to hear his finnish voice again.
"Linde," a common voice said.
"Oh..hi, it's Bam," I said, a bit shocked.
Linde was quiet for a moment. "Long time no see."
I felt bad. "Ville called me a couple of weeks ago. I want to talk to him..Is he there?" I asked.
I heard Linde sigh. "Bam..he isn't okay. He's sick."
"What do you mean? Does he got the flu or.."
"No. He's sick. In his head," Linde explained. "Not like..maniac, but he's been acting weird since your wedding."
Fuck it. I knew it. "Look, I'm going to take the first plane to Finland tomorrow and.."
"You shouldn't." Linde sounded so angry, so sad. He's blaming me.
"I need to take care of him..talk to him face to face," I said. "If all this is my fault then I want to fix it."
Linde sighed again. "Okay. Do as you want. But don't you dare hurt him." Then he hung up.
Now I needed to explain all this to Missy..

Ville's P.O.V
"Linde, have you seen my phone?" I asked.
Linde searched through his pocket and handed my phone over.
"Why do you.." I started.
"Bam called."
I froze. "What? Why didn't you tell me my phone was ringing?!"
"You were asleep. Thought it was a bad idea to wake you up because of him," Linde said.
"Well..yeah..but..shit, what did he say?"
"We don't need to talk about this now, Ville," Linde sighed. "Go and lay down on the couch. Sleep."
"I don't have to fucking sleep!" I screamed.
Linde crossed his arms. "Are we going to have a problem, Ville?"
I stopped. Linde's never acted this way with me.
I felt the tears start to fall down my cheeks.
Linde looked shocked. "Ville.." he started.
"Stop it! I don't want to hear anything from you!" I screamed and ran to the hall to get out, but when
I opened the door I met Mige who stopped me.
"Hey, hey, where are you going?" Mige said and dropped the plastic bags with food that he was carrying.
I quickly dried my tears. "Out..buy cigarettes."
"Didn't you quit that shit?" Mige said and took off his jacket.
"No."
"You're not going anywhere right now, Ville. We can buy smokes tomorrow."
I sighed and walked into the kitchen and sat down on a chair.
Mige came after me with the plastic bags and started to place the food in the fridge.
"Do you want some yoghurt or anything?" Mige said when he was finished.
"No thanks," I mumbled.
Mige sat down on the chair next to me and looked at me.
He took my hand and inspected it. I watched him stroke the visible bones and then looked into his eyes.
He met my gaze and opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it again.

White walls, white floors, white clothes.
Everything was so white that it hurted my eyes. I didn't know why Mige and Linde had taken
me to the hospital, and I was pissed that they hadn't talk to me at first.
I know that I had nothing to do here.
"Hello, I'm Gary and I'm your doctor," the man in a white coat who just had entered the room
said and reached out his hand in greeting.
I just looked at it and put my hands in my pockets.
"Well then.." the doctor took down his hand and gave me a smile. "Let's get started..take off your shirt, please."
I did as he said, suprised that the doctor wasn't going blind because of my pale skin when he put the cold stethoscope to my chest.
I looked down on the floor all the time - didn't want to meet Mige or Linde's gaze, didn't want them to look at my body, I just wanted this to get over so I could go home.
When the doctor checked my weight I closed my eyes, afraid to see the numbers. When I opened my eyes the doctor sat on his chair and wrote something down and I got down from the scale.
"Please sit, Ville," the doctor said.
I sat down on the hard chair not far away from the doctor's desk.
"Tell me what you're thinking of," he continued, looking at me through the glasses.
"Nothing," I quickly answered, uncomfortable because of Linde and Mige.
"You must be thinking about something? How do you feel about coming here today, for example?"
"I'm mad. I know there's nothing wrong with me," I mumbled.
"For what I've seen, your extremely underweight," the doctor said, while writing something else down.
"I've always been this way, and Mige and Linde know it."
"What about your alcoholproblem?" What the fuck, have the guy's having contact with this doctor forever or what?
"I'm not going to answer that or any more question," I said, standing up.
The doctor opened his mouth but I just looked at Mige and Linde and said, "We're going home now."

I was quiet all the way home.
I sat in the backseat, looking out of the window, while Mige and Linde's voices seemed to be far away.
They discussed something, probably about "what they where supposed to do", but I didn't care. I didn't want to listen.
All I could think about was Bam.

Bam's P.O.V
The house. My ass hurt because of the uncomfortable seats in the airplane, but now I was in Europe.
In front of their house. I took a deep breath and knocked.
After a while, Gas opened. "Woah!" he exclaimed. "Long time no fucking see!"
I smiled a bit. "Is Ville here?"
Gas shook his head. "Not at the moment. But you can come in."
He moved so I could get pass.
"Do you want coffee or anything?" Gas asked as we walked into the kitchen.
"Coffee'll be good, thanks," I said and sat down on a chair.
He gave me a cup and sat down on a chair next to me.
"So...where's Ville and the rest of the guys?" I asked and took a sip.
"They're at the hospital...with Ville," Gas answered and I almost choked on my coffee.
"Hosp...what? Why? What's wrong?!"
"We're just worried about him. He've been acting weird for a while," Gas said.
I nodded. "Linde told me."
Suddenly, Ville walked into the kitchen and my heart stopped.
He didn't see me at first, he just opened the fridge to look after something.
He was skinny, I mean, Ville have always been skinny, but now it's like...sickly skinny.
His hair was longer and he looked tired, but he was gorgeous as always.
Gas grinned a bit, "Ville?"
Ville didn't look up from the fridge. "I don't want to talk."
"You just did," Gas said and winked at me.
"Ha-ha-ha, smarthead. Why don't you just..." He turned around to look at Gas as he spoke, but finally noticed me and stopped. He stared at me like I was some alien from Mars or something, and I stood up.
"Hi..." I whispered.
Ville closed his mouth and started crying like a teenie that just won prom queen and runned towards me and threw his arms around my neck.
I held him tightly against my body and felt his tears fall down on my neck.
I closed my eyes and wondered why I'd ever leaved him as I rocked him back and forth.

I adore the despair in your eyes (Chapter 2)

2009-02-18T15:12:34Z

I froze and almost stopped breathing.
"Hello!?"
I could hear that Bam started to get annoyed.
I took a quick breath.
"I can hear you breathing! If you're some crazy fan that somehow got my number I swear to God that I'll.."
"It's me."
Bam went quiet.
"Please say something," I begged.
"I don't know what to say..shit, Ville?"
"Y-yeah," I said and rubbed my nose.
"God, I haven't heard from you since the wedding..how are you?"
"I'm..I'm fine," I said.
"Are you sure? You sound a bit down, man," Bam said.
"I've got a cold," I lied. "Never mind, how are you then?"
"I'm great! Missy found out that she is pregnant yesterday!"
I felt hot tears running down my cheeks and I almost sobbed out loud before cursing to myself.
Why the fuck am I crying? Bam's happy, let him be fucking happy.
"Congratulations man!" I said and almost whined when my faked voice reached my ears.
Bam didn't seem to notice though, just kept on talking.
I listened, crying to myself, faked a laugh every now and then, hung up with a "We'll meet each other soon again, promise" and then breaking down completely.
Just crying, sobbing, screaming and still hating myself for not being happy for Bam and Missy.

"Ville, concentrate! This is going nowhere if you don't pay attention to it!"
I rolled my eyes and sighed. I wasn't in the mood for being in the studio - not even in the mood for singing.
"Okay, let us try it again. From the chorus."
I rolled my eyes again, but cleared my throat and started singing.
"In our hearts love keeps sweet talking to despair and goes..."
"Cut, cut, cut!"
I stopped singing and almost whined this time.
"Ville, if you want to get this album done, you have to..."
"Just fucking drop it, okay!?" I screamed and threw the mic away, walked out of the small studio and ran.
I heard someone follow me and I ran faster and felt my asthma kick in. Great.
Suddenly I felt someones arms around me and I got pushed down to the ground.
"Let me fucking go!" I tried to scream, but my throat burned so much that it just came out as a whisper.
"Calm down, Ville." Miges voice. I felt his hand searching trough my pockets, and suddenly I couldn't fucking breathe. Even though I should be used to asthma attacks, I kicked around, desperately carving for air, until I felt a inhaler between my lips and my whole body relaxed.
Mige stroked my back and I looked at him, and suddenly I was crying again. I hated myself for crying. I hated myself for being weak.

Two weeks since the call. Two fucking weeks.
"Ville?"
I ignored the voice and kept on dancing.
I didn't want to ruin this moment, didn't want to stop partying, didn't want to think about the call or Bam.
Suddenly I felt the world spin and I fell into someones arms.
"Ville, we're gonna get you home now," Mige said.
I giggled. "I don't wanna!"
Mige sighed. "You're wasted, man. We have to get you home."
"I'll stay here."
"Fine!" Mige dropped me and walked out of the room.
I giggled again and stood up.
Someone put another drink in my hand and everything started to spin again and I fell down on the couch that was full of people that made out.
I closed my eyes and tried to keep myself from throwing up.
"Are you alright?"
The voice rang in my ears and I opened my eyes.
"I'm j-just a bit dizzy," I said.
The girl laughed. "You're partying pretty hard. Trying to forget something?"
"You could say," I sighed.
"Come with me. I'll give you something that helps you."
She took my arm and pulled me up from the couch and led me into a empty bedroom.
I sat down on the bed and watched her pull out a bag of white powder.
I froze - I knew damn well what it was.
"Ever done a line before?" she said, smiling and carefully did two lines on a book.
"I don't like drugs," I said and closed my eyes.
"How do you know if you never tried it?"
I opened my eyes and looked at her.
She smiled before doing one of the lines.

It felt like something was eating me from the inside and my nose itched.
Still, it was some weird feeling over me; pure happiness.
I laughed at everything and every problem I had seemed to be gone.
Me and the girl, Estella, were dancing, well, more jumping around in the living room.
Jumped, laughed and screamed.

Someone grabbed me when I almost fell over.
"Time to go home."
I looked up and saw a blurry version of Mige.
He lifted me up and carried me over his shoulder.
I waved to Estella, who was busy dancing, while I was laughing my ass out.

The trip home was kinda awkward.
My high started to disappear and Mige was breathing heavy.
"Fucking say something," I mumbled.
"What do you want me to say?" Mige looked at me quickly before staring at the road again. "I found you high.
High, Ville! That's fucking serious shit. Why did you do it?"
"It worked," I said and stared down at my knees.
"I have no idea what's going on with you, Ville," Mige said. "You haven't been the same since Bam's wedding. I know you loved him, but he have a wife now. He can't stay by your side all the way."
Once again, my heart cracked. Not even my best friend could understand me now.

I adore the despair in your eyes

2008-04-27T19:12:24Z

Why am I sitting here, drinking my sorrows away?
Why is suicide written all over my fucking brain?
Why isn't the one I actually love with me, instead of his wife?

A soft knocking on the door.
"Ville?"
I rolled my eyes, "yes?"
Linde sighed and walked towards me.
"Are you drinking again?"
"No, I'm just staring at the pretty bottles," I snapped.
"Sarcastic much?" Linde said. "Ville, you got to stop this."
"Why?" I mumbled.
"You're fucking killing yourself slowly! Aren't you over the Bam-thing yet?!"
I sobbed and hugged my knees when I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.
I missed him, I did. Me and Bam were really close friends.

More than friends. We weren't together, but close to. We were just fooling around, making out and touching eachother. We both knew that that thing we had wouldn't turn out to a relationship, but still, I loved him.
But, as you all know - he got married.
I cried softly to the phone when Ape called me and invited me to his wedding.
But I was there, at his wedding, and felt my heart crack when he said "I do".

I stood up. "I'm going to have a bath," I said and walked into the bathroom, closing the door.
I just turned on the cold water and watched it as it filled the tub. So innocent...
I climbed into the cold water with my clothes. I gasped at the uncomfortable feeling.
I took a deep breath and let myself slip into the water.
I counted the seconds and grabbed the sides of the tub to keep myself down.
Someone knocked on the door, but I ignored it.
I opened my eyes and stared at the blurred ceiling and smiled.
My lungs started to burn. I wasn't going to give in.
Someone knocked again. Why didn't they leave me alone?
I took a deep breath by accident.
My lungs hurt badly now. I smiled again.
Suddenly the bathroom door burst open and I saw Gas blurred face before I roughly got pulled out of the water.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" He screamed.
I just gasped for air, not saying a thing.
"What happened?" Lindes voice.
"He tried to fucking drown himself!"
I opened my mouth to say something, but water came out instead of words.
"I'll take care of him," Linde said. Gas nodded and leaved me and Linde alone in the bathroom.
"Ville, you idiot," Linde said.
He took of my wet clothes and inspected my arms and legs. I knew he was looking for cuts, scars or any kind of scratch.
When he didn't find any, he wrapped me carefully in a towel.
"Let's get you some dry clothes, yeah?" He said and helped me up.
"I'm sorry," I said as he dressed me and dried my hair.
"Don't think about it," Linde said and rubbed my back. "You're just going through a rough time, that's all."
With that, I began to cry again.

I felt their eyes on me as I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
"We're going to get you help, Ville."
I didn't say anything.
"You're not going to find any beer in that fridge," Burton said.
I sighed and closed it.
"I don't need help," I said.
"Really? Then why are you fucking drinking all the time? Why aren't you eating? Why are you suicidal?" Gas said.
I rolled my eyes. "First thing, my drinking isn't a problem. Second thing, I do eat. Third thing, I'm not suicidal."
Gas opened his mouth to say something more but I turned around and walked into my bedroom and closed the door.
I didn't need their shit right now.

"Ville?"
I almost jumped out of my bed. "Knock, will you?!" I said angrily.
"Sorry," Mige said. "Linde told me to give you some food."
I looked at the plate he was holding and shook my head. "I'm fine."
"Come on, Ville," Mige said and set the plate down on my nightstand. "Eat it and Linde won't nag your head off later."
I smiled a bit.
Mige looked at the pictures of me and Bam that covered my wall.
"You should call him you know," he said, and then he walked out of my room.
Without thinking, I took my phone and dialed Bams number.
"That's a stupid idea," I mumbled and deleted it.
I sighed and took the plate and poked around in the food.
Maybe Mige was right, maybe I should call Bam.
But I didn't know what to say.
I dialed Bams number again.
I took a deep breath and pressed the callbutton.
This is stupid...
I bit my nails. Don't pick up the phone, don't pick up the phone...
Just when I was about to hang up, he picked up.
"Hello?"
Shit.